Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
