also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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