your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
