I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
