He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
