he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
