His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
