this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
