you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
