this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
