Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
