What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The air was thick with penises
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
