Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
