I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize