is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
