Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
