The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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