There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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