So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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