I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
