Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Terrible idea I love it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
