My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
