so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
