I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
