You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize