in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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