and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
