It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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