I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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