Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
being pregnant is like rehab
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize