Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
