apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
