I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
