I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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