i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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