Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
