im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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