put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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