I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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