I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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