i love accidental penises.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
