I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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