Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
