theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
