I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
