I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
