Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
no. you can't hotbox the world.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
