Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
