The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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