my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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