I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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