My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
