I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
