I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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