look no pants
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
