The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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